While I’ve been gone

While I haven’t been writing blog posts, I’ve been getting to know my new home state. Here is a glimpse of what I’ve been up to

yeah yeah yeah, another beach picture. It was a good day.

yeah yeah yeah, another beach picture. It was a good day.

Michigan beer kegs in an NC bottle shop Bathroom

Michigan beer kegs in an NC bottle shop Bathroom

trying to make #BathroomsofRaleigh happen

trying to make #BathroomsofRaleigh happen

I've been coffee shop hopping, and found NC State's Hunt Library this afternoon. my dream.

I’ve been coffee shop hopping, and found NC State’s Hunt Library this afternoon. my dream.

BEST fish taco's at Wrightsville Beach

BEST fish taco’s at Wrightsville Beach

second beach day was a major contrast, both in crowds and clouds

second beach day was a major contrast, both in crowds and clouds

got caught in the rain and took cover in the usually sketchy bus stop

got caught in the rain and took cover in the usually sketchy bus stop

cold brew at a new coffee shop

cold brew at a new coffee shop

First beach trip with family to Wrightsville

First beach trip with family to Wrightsville

Keepin things in perspective with my one piece of artwork on my new desk

Keepin things in perspective with my one piece of artwork on my new desk

Mellow Mushroom has a beer tap water feature

Mellow Mushroom has a beer tap water feature

grabbed a beer by myself at Crank Arm Brewery

grabbed a beer by myself at Crank Arm Brewery

"Before I Die" board at NC States Packapalooza party

“Before I Die” board at NC States Packapalooza party

NC State Capital

NC State Capital

NC State farmer's market

NC State farmer’s market

first morning coffee in my new town

first morning coffee in my new town

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We’re Moving! (Part II)

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In March, during a particularly down time, I decided to take advantage of my last built in spring break and go on a road trip. I had a couple stops along the way, but ultimately, I had planned to fulfill the promise I’d been making to a good friend over and over. I was finally going to visit Raleigh.

On my way home from that trip, driving out of town felt like I was leaving my home. And that is when I promise myself that come August 15 (the end of my then lease) if I didn’t have a job in Michigan, I would move to Raleigh and figure. it. out.

Months went on, and I forgot where the fire within that goal was, got complacent, thought I was going to stay at my then job. When my job came to an end July 1, I started planning my next trip to NC. I figured I could either remind myself why this was what I wanted, or I could put the dream to rest.

On the way home from that trip, the calling was even stronger. I began endlessly and obsessively hunting for jobs in the area. Teaching myself new software to be eligible for these positions, and for the first time feeling like I had a goal and a direction, and an answer to the question “What do you want to do?”

——-

I don’t have one dream job. I don’t have a single position that I will chase forever. But right now, I do have a city. So in 8 hours, I will begin driving 12 to go to my new home.

While I have been looking and hunting for both apartments and jobs, neither are solidified yet. I will arrive in Raleigh to stay with my Aunt and Uncle for what I keep promising will be no more than 2 weeks, in hopes that I won’t become that house guest.

I’m prepared to work small jobs. Unpaid internships, Waiting tables (which I don’t yet have any experience in), part-time pencil pushing. Anything to make ends meet and begin to make professional connections in a new city.

—–

The reactions from this have ranged from “Well, do you have to go” to “oh my gosh, I wish I could just up and leave.” The prior coming mostly from the older generation of grandparents and worried mom’s. I’ve been told how brave, courageous, talented, independent etc. that I am in the past two weeks. I don’t know if I feel that way, but if it’s true, then I hope it inspires other people to be the same.

It just got to the point where I couldn’t come up with reasons NOT to do this. North Carolina is a what-if dream I’ve been dwelling on for nearly 8 years now. And now, without an apartment. Without a job. Without a relationship. I have very little keeping me from pursuing this.

That is not to say that I don’t have so so many amazing friendships I will be putting distance between in doing this. I’m moving away from all of my friends and family who are family and friends. But I have a calm in doing so, because I know that distance will do little to the bond I have with these people. Saying goodbye was unpleasant, but not entirely devastating.

The first two years my sister and I lived apart, were probably the two years that we leaned on, and cherished each other the most. I have no doubts in saying that my time away from Michigan will effect my friendships in similar ways.

PLUS Ya’ll better visit like you promised.

—–

This might be the most long winded, indirect post I’ve ever written, but this is all to say, I pray that this experience becomes an amazing one. That I look back in awe of what I created with the help of my generous friends and family. And that I can build a life and a career in an unfamiliar, but vibrant and exciting town that I have dreamed about for countless nights.

I still can’t believe I’m doing this. It seems like I am suddenly living in the alternate universe where Annie is daring and challenges expectation, but I suppose now that is who I have become.

So much has changed in the last year, and I can only imagine how the trajectory will continue to change in the upcoming months.

You belong where choose to be

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I went on my second semi spontaneous/all on my own/multi-stop road trip for the last couple of weeks. And though I stayed with family and friends along the way, one of my stops was completely on my own.

I drove 10 hours out of my way to spend less than 24 hours in a city in which I knew no one. It was one of the most intimidating things I have ever done, but those few quiet, lonely, observant hours have changed the way I will approach new situations in the future.

I did my research as soon as I got to the hotel a few miles away from downtown Savannah. I looked up bars, restaurants, and sights that I needed to see. Then before I lost my nerve, I drove into town, and meandered around the old streets and a 1877 cemetery while it was still light out. I braved some rain, and saw many other tourists out and about (though usually in massive groups and matching shirts).

I then walked downtown. Taking in park after park along my walk, and memorizing the cross streets I left my car on. I approached a bar with a group of people outside smoking that looked friendly enough, and decided with assertion to walk in. Turns out, the bar was empty sans the group outside, which included the bartender. and they were all friends.

So here I am. Plopped on a bar stool, an outsider at an obviously local hangout where everyone knows each other, ordering a strong cocktail at 8pm on a Tuesday night. Alone.

And do you know what I decided. I belonged there. I belonged there because I chose to be there. I did not need to qualify to these strangers by staring at my phone or acting distracted, or striking up a conversation that it was ok for me to be there alone. It just simply was, OK.

It sounds like a minute revelation, but for me it is important. There are so many times that I have felt out of place, especially in a social setting. But if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it with conviction. How do business owners get more money? By new customers walking through their doors. Just because you don’t know “how it works” or who the regular staff is doesn’t give you any less reign over a situation.

By the time I got my coffee the next morning and sat in silence, trying contiously not to bury my head in my cellphone, it wasn’t quite so hard.

So I learned. Embrace the discomfort. Go somewhere new. You belong there.

50 Ways to be a Woman

http://thoughtcatalog.com/caitlin-legg/2014/04/50-ways-to-be-a-woman/

 

UMMMM OR….

 

1. Have two x chromosomes

2. Do whatever else you want

Why are we dictating to each other how to act? My androgynous all-black outfit, and my inability to walk in heels and my sailor’s mouth do not make me any less of a woman than the next girl. Support each other regardless of how they choose to live their lives, and applaud any person, man or woman, for upholding a strong character.

Does hook up culture requires an unhealthy emotional detachement?

I once had a week long romance. With someone I knew as soon as a I met would not be in my life for more than a week. Moving out of the state, out of the country, with no plans to keep in touch. Yet I still willingly engaged.

And on the other side of the week, I was unsure of how to feel. Emotional detachment is not something I usually engage in, and I think it is pretty obvious that I’m not very good at it. I value the interactions I have with others, romantic and otherwise. Conversations with strangers sometimes hold more weight in my mind than “how are you’s” with familiar faces. So a week of spending time with someone while simultaneously keeping them at arm’s-length in my mind was difficult.

And so I wonder, why is hookup culture so relevant in our generation? I get the whole “own your sexuality” thing and the idea that if you want it you can go get it, and I think women feeling in control of their sex is extremely important. But what do girls feel after a one night stand and casual hookups? My experience was far from a one night stand (in duration, and a complete lack of sex) and still, I felt a sense of loss.

This week long affair went through all normal stages of a long relationship in a fast forwarded. First date, I was in awe… what if I thought. It was spontaneous, I had butterflies, he was fascinating, the possibilities were endless. Second date, it became clear we didn’t have that much in common, but still, it was nice to have someone to spend time with. We  saw each other two additional times, which was probably two times too many, and by the end I felt like the almost ex who was hanging around too long.

My question is this. Is the detachment required to get through a one night stand emotionally stunting us? Am I the odd-one-out for not being emotionally/mentally capable of these types of arrangements? Or are other girls equally uncomfortable, but agreeing to them because they have become the social standard? Personal and intimate interactions with other people are supposed to make us feel, but why are we encouraged to act like we don’t?

I’m Scared

Like really fucking scared.

In two weeks I will be out of the job. A temporary job, whose end was imminent, but for the first time since freshman year of college, I will not have a job. for the first time since….. preschool I won’t have school to go to in the fall. For the first time ever, time is stretching before me, and no one is telling me how to fill it.

What does my worth and identity become when I do not have a title next to my name. Annie: full time employee. Annie: product design student. Annie: swimmer. Annie: captain of the soccer team. Annie: lifeguard. When is the last time I didn’t have an answer to What do you do? Furthermore, why is what do you do the first question we ask people?

What do I do? What will I do? What do people without jobs do? Search for jobs, sure, but how many hours a day do you spend filling out resumes? Will I become  a hermit sitting in my house on the internet all day? Will I become a regular at the coffee shop? Will I end up partying every night, because, why not? 

I’m so scared. Where am I going to live? Do I have to move back home? How is that going to feel? Like defeat. Like giving up? Like I put thousands and thousands of dollars into University, and I wind up right where I started. Like I need my Mommy again?

know that this is my chance to pursue any opportunity I want. But what do I want? I don’t know. And no one is telling me. And I’m scared.

Summer fashion favorites

I love the casual, breezy look of chambray, and think it fits the vibe of summer perfectly. The beach, music festivals, and hanging out downtown all beg for a little light wash jean. But it’s important to keep the pieces light in weight so you don’t get too hot in summer heat.

Chambray_comp

1.  Anthropology Dress
2.  Lucky Brand Tank
3. Tom’s Shoes

This is out of pure necessity in this heat: spaghetti straps. I LOVE the elegance and femininity of spaghetti straps, especially without additional straps-skip the bra or go strapless for these looks

SpaghettiStraps

1. Zara Tank
2. JCrew Dress
3. Anthropology Romper
4. Top Shop Dress

 

Last but not least is a pop of color. I tend to dress in grayscale, which has felt increasingly inappropriate in the summer, but just a small addition of color, or switching my heavy blacks to airy whites will help.

Neon

1. JCrew Shorts
2. Anthropology Necklace
3.  Sole Society Flats