Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly lonely and falling asleep in my queen size bed, that for months was solidly occupied by two, I think about exes. Relationships I have ended, and guys that have turned me down or vise versa. Because when you’re lonely, isn’t reminding yourself of the people who could be keeping you company the most comforting thing to do?
Sometimes I also dream about this.
Lately, one dream has been recurring. One of my exes and I are planning to meet up. At first its just supposed to be a dinner, but plans turn into a weekend, and then a week long trip to somewhere far enough away that airfare is required. Well, that’s when dream me freaks out. I think, I didn’t want to have to spend a week with you, I just wanted your company for one night. I don’t want to be with you, I don’t want to have to break up with you again. And I call off all plans, and we don’t even end up seeing each other.
I’m impressed really, with my own psyche. That even in my sleep, even when my mind is vulnerably exploring the possibility of the company of someone I used to love so much, I still know that was wrong, and that it isn’t what I want.
I feel weird when I wake up from those dreams… but I think it serves as a comforting reminder, that what I’m doing is right for me for now.