struggling through

I am currently sixty. three. days away from graduating college. Well. 63 days until my last presentation is due and I no longer have homework to complete, but I suppose technically it is more like sixty nine days until I have a diploma in my hands. Even though this is probably one of the biggest accomplishments of my life thus far, I have never felt so much like I don’t have my shit together.

Even though I know, most days, that I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing (read: struggling through, trying to understand who I am, what I want, where my life trajectory is leading, and just freakin graduate with my head on straight), I still feel like this is supposed to be different.

I don’t have a ring on my finger, or a baby on the way, or fuck, even a steady dude in my life that takes me out on a date occasionally. I don’t have a group of four girlfriends that dresses up in mini skirts and drinks vodka tonics at a busy bar bought by ‘the man over there’. I don’t have the money to buy louboutins, or manolo blahniks, or hell, even a pair of conservative black work shoes from Nine West.

What I do have are a TON of questions, self doubts, concerns, misunderstandings, awkward social interactions, and general uncertainty about anything and everything going on in my life.

All of that being said I feel like I will look back on these days fondly. I will, someday, in hindsight realize that this was the time in my life that I struggled into becoming who I will be as a fully formed and functioning adult. But to get to that point, I have to go through the days of completely doubting who I am, what I’m doing, and where my life is going.

While I don’t think that I am remarkably unique or particularly special, I do think that I’m going through things that a lot of other girls/women are going through, and I’m willing to talk about it in an attempt to understand life. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on things alone, and with friends, but now I am putting it down on paper.

-A

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